In the moment, it only made me angrier. I’d just died from yet another one-shot kill in Persona 5, and I wasn’t expecting my controller to treat it as a permadeath run. Besides, I hadn’t even thrown it that hard or far. It was a three-foot drop, tops. I’ve been using the same Xbox 360 controller with my PC for five years, and it’s been through worse on several different occasions. Still works like a charm.

“Oh GREAT,” I said to myself, trying to keep my voice down so as not to wake my neighbor, but definitely failing. “Another thing to be furious about!” I turned off my PS4 and decided to go to bed.

Then I started to feel guilty. I don’t use my PS4 all that often, so my PS4 controller has always been the loneliest child of my little controller family. My mouse/keyboard and Xbox 360 controller get lavished with attention—and heck, I even use my Steam controller from time-to-time—but my PS4 controller once sat at the bottom of a laundry basket for about a year (another story for another time, friends). It died as it lived: ingloriously.

Eventually, I fell asleep in a state somewhere between rage (at myself this time) and sadness. I did not dream.

I’m sorry, first and only PlayStation 4 controller I’ve ever owned. I didn’t realize you were so brittle because, well, I never really got to know you, did I? That was my fault. I assumed a lot about you, and my inaction spoke volumes. You weren’t a bad controller, by any means. You had decent heft, and I enjoyed your triggers. Your grip texture took some getting used to, but I liked it in the end.

I plan to give you a viking funeral, or, failing that, your own special place in that one closet I never open for fear of everything falling out and crushing me, rendering me dead before I can even say, “Oh yeah, that’s why I never open this closet!” Someday, of course, I’ll buy a new PS4 controller. I mean, I’ve got Persona to play. I’m sure you understand. You’d have probably purchased a new me, if things happened the other way around.

When I do buy that new controller, though, I want you to know that I’ll try really hard not to throw it. And if I do anyway, I’ll make sure to consult a guide first.